


‘Cause her heart can’t take it, and she might not make it.

by AToZRainToBe



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Hurt Nott (Critical Role), It’s difficult being two people, Nott Needs a Hug (Critical Role), Nott-centric (Critical Role), Oh also there’s a lot of mentions of being dead, POV Nott (Critical Role), Really just a vent, and accidentally venting through Nott and Caleb’s relationship, beau sucks at feelings but tries her best, but it happens five times, don’t listen if you’re sad, honestly Nott’s a mood, it’s mostly me wanting friends, more like Nott has a crisis and thinks about being two people, no beta we die like Molly, or the best I can imagine her doing, she doesn’t understand what Nott’s saying, sorry - Freeform, that was too soon, two people one body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23021023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AToZRainToBe/pseuds/AToZRainToBe
Summary: Five times Nott feels like two people, and one time she finally gets to talk about it.Or: I vent a lot through Nott and put it up here for people to see(Title from “The Village” by Wrabel. It’s such a Nott song honestly- also sorry I cut part of the lyric out but it didn’t make much sense for this lol)
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Nott, Nott & Caleb Widogast, Nott & Nott (Critical Role), Veth Brenatto & Nott
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	‘Cause her heart can’t take it, and she might not make it.

**Author's Note:**

> Please forgive me if this is terrible 
> 
> I haven’t beta’d it and it was written over the course of five times I actually felt terrible so I really just channeled myself into Nott, it’s probably not entirely accurate to character 
> 
> WARNING: mentions of death, mentions fo wanting to die, massive body issues.

Nott didn’t feel like herself. 

That was the plain issue, but why was it stopping her from getting out of bed? From spending the one rare day they had lingering around the town furthering their exploits? Shopping or getting gold for them? Doing something? Why did it hurt so much? 

Nott didn’t know the answer. She must be cursed, or something, to have anything other than what her heart wanted so desperately for- no, she would not be given what she wanted. She couldn’t be. She curled inwards, desperately yearning for an ache she knew was all too present to go away, and knew, god, she knew, that no one was going to scoop her up and hold her until it went away this time. 

She heard Beau get up. Heard instead of saw, because when Beau got up, Nott had amassed a pile of blankets and her pillow in order to try and subside the desperate ache for something she lost so long ago. Beau must’ve glanced over the bedding, thinking Nott had slept like every other night. 

The bad thing was, she couldn’t hate Beau for being Caleb’s favourite. 

It felt like pinpricks to her heart to think that. Coughing, spluttering and choking back sobs quietly enough for Jester and Yasha- the other two in the room- not to notice, Nott pulled her legs closer. She hated the green, but some- some deep part of her wanted to keep it, to keep all the strangeness that came with it, to be Nott. 

But she didn’t want that either. She wanted to be loved, she wanted to be happy, she wanted her Yeza and Luc, she wanted to be with them. But she wanted to be with the mighty nein- with Caleb. 

It hurts even more when she thinks of that, and less when Jester gets out of Bed the same way Beau did. Nott can’t sleep. She hadn’t been asleep for a very long time. She didn’t want to, because sleep meant dreams, and dreams meant thinking about what she wanted but couldn’t have. Dreams meant admitting she was unhappy. 

Nott swallowed. Hard enough to push back some tears for a while. She clutched her pillow, trying desperately to burrow into the blanket like it might solve all her problems, and for a moment it did. Her peak hole showed her that neither Beau, Yasha, nor Jester had noticed her. She was alone, for real.

She let the first tears fall. That was a mistake. 

Floodgates opened form behind her eyes, an ache like a rip through her heart increasing the flow double time. Everything she had, all her bones and flesh, it felt like weeping constantly. And she did, she wept and cried. She sniffed, she choked, she screamed into her pillow with those damn teeth digging into it. Nott couldn’t stand the noise, Veth couldn’t stand the teeth. 

Nott wanted to find Caleb, Veth wanted the monster in her place to die. Nott wanted that too, it seemed, because dying right now was better than the aches that ripped through her body every time she thought of Caleb, or Luc, or Yeza. She curled her toes, dug her all-to-long nails into the palm of her hand, and cried. She couldn’t stop. 

It was all she could do. 

And that was how she started the day- by crying. By being alone. By waiting for someone or something that never came. 

She spent the rest of it drinking. She didn’t know how else to stop crying. She didn’t want to know how else to stop the crying. She didn’t want to feel anything, for the time being- and she was sure the Nein noticed. She’s been making an effort, and now-

Well, the difference now was, she didn’t think of herself as one person.

Veth despised the scent of booze that her flask gave off, Nott discovered, as she listened out to the void inside her. Hated drinking the stuff, it made her feel too Nott-like. And Nott, well, she loved the stuff. Thought it was the best invention ever, cause it was her shield.

She was hesitant to drink, at first, listening to Verh cry desperately not to. But… but there was an ache, in her arms, in her heart, on the tips of her fingers, so she had to drink. Nott won that round, even if she always sucked in a deep breath like the damned drink hurt her. 

It wasn’t like anyone noticed when she tried to pull her hair forward that afternoon, after a day of not being very helpful, and desperately did her best to weave flowers into a braid. But she hadn’t done it in so long, the flowers only fell out and the braid fell apart. Veth cried. Nott was silent. 

Being two people meant wanting different things. It meant crying in the dead of night, or in places people couldn’t see you, because you wanted so much and yet you could never get any of it. You’d messed it up so much by trying to be one person that neither options were available, because you were one person. One two person. 

It was when Nott tried to braid her hair a second time, behind the same tavern, where she found some flowers that also grew on the outskirts of Felderwin, that she cried next. That she felt the split deepen within her. 

It tore though her limbs, her tired and worn limbs, the moment the last flower slipped out of her hair and onto the ground below. The tears were salty, Nott noticed, but they were salty the way they had been when Caleb held her through moments like these before, without saying a word. She didn’t have him now. She couldn’t, because he was inside, and he had every right to be.

Still, some selfish part of her- no, Nott- whispered. Shouldn’t he be your friend? He was your boy first. 

Nott wants to go run to him. Veth doesn’t want anything to do with him. She- the in between, their body- doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe, and hopes the tears will subside by themselves. But they won’t. She hiccups and wipes away globs of the salty liquid pouring down her face. 

Her vision is blurred, but she can still see the flower’s and their colour as they disappear into a blur with he rest of the world. And for a moment, for this moment, she is a single person hurting. She is Nott, she is Veth, and she is hurting. There is a world around her and yet, she hurts. 

She doesn’t even bother to hide it. 

No one would have noticed. 

Veth, she decides, is the one who dries their tears. It’s nice to think that Veth did it after the failed attempt at being more her. Nott is the one who picks her up afterwards with a swing from her flask and a inhale so sharp it could pierce somebody. It’s the both of them that manage to sluggishly crawl their way back into the bed they started the day in. 

It’s a nice thought, them working together. 

It’s certainly not something she entertains for long. It only takes a moment of breathing in her bedsheets and the smell of her breakdown this morning to bring her back to the issue. She is two people. She is one person. She can’t live two lives, and she’s losing Caleb by the minute. She’s losing them all by the minute. 

They look at her differently now. They look at her differently because they think that she’s not Nott, because they think she’s a halfling girl trapped in a goblin body. What if she wasn’t that? What if she found a way to separate the two of them, to-

She shakes her head to herself. There’s no way in the world something like that could happen. And it aches even more for the possibility that she might be wrong, and she’d never find out. 

The third time comes just before sundown, when she goes down to have dinner with the group and finds herself picking at her food but not eating. She can’t stomach the stuff, happen what may, because Caleb is across the table from her and Beau’s quite close to him. The feeling of losing him tears through her, making her shiver, and she pushes the plate aside.

“Nott?” Fjord turns to her, away from the group- and Jester, who’s talking passionately about the Traveller- and quietly whispers her name like it’s a question. “You feeling alright?”

Nott doesn’t have the answers. 

“I- uh, yes,” She lies. She’s never been good at that. Even in the years she knew Yeza, even when she had to spend so long pretending to be okay with the way the boys jeered at her- she’s never acquired the taste for lying. And yet Nott does it so easily. “I’m fine.”

Fjord glances over to Beau and Caleb, both too invested in the story. Then he glances back at Nott. “If you need to talk to someone-“

Nott noticed the tears brimming, the familiar swirls of her stomach, the sudden pang- “I’m fine, Fjord,” she says again. Something, Something must be wrong with her. “Just… not hungry.”

When he turns away, satisfied, she slips off. She doesn’t want to cry in front of the group. Pulling her hood over her head- she’s doing that a lot nowadays- and her mask over her face, she heads somewhere she can cry. The room she shares with the other three girls.

It’s not much, and she’ll have to hold her breath should anyone else come, but it’s enough for her right now. It’s an escape, and that’s better than no escape. But Nott hates crying, so she downs as much of her flask’s contents as she can in one breath before snuggling into the blankets and trying to replicate the warmth she lost when she lost Caleb. The warmth she won’t receive because she isn’t Nott, and she isn’t Veth, and she isn’t anyone. 

She sips again when she feels her fingers numb with some sort of pain, a pain she doesn’t want to feel, and then again when she feels a single tear run down her face. After that, the pace is consistent- for every hitch if her breath, every movement, every tear, she drinks. And she doesn’t regret it. 

And maybe, if Jester, Yasha and Beau stumble into the room after a nice night and find Nott curled into the corner, asleep and smelling of alcohol, maybe they both agree not to say anything because Nott doesn’t seem to know they’re there. 

And, of course, no one mentions Jester’s little spell to sober Nott. Just so she doesn’t get alcohol poisoning. 

That night she tosses and she turns. She takes the blankets off and puts it back on. She can’t find some way to feel comfortable, she can hear Veth wanting the blankets for warmth and Nott believing it’s a waste because if they’re cold, they can go to Caleb. She shoves them both down, kicking her fists down on the mattress and probably waking one of the others up (spoiler: she doesn’t care too much) as she quietly marches down the hall- they all have respect, she decides with a nod- and to where she found those flowers before. 

It feels silly to be there again, but it’s like being in Felderwin. And that’s… some peace, for one side, and some restlessness for the other. But both Veth and Nott like flowers, she’s discovered, so they spend the time until dawn weaving a flower crown. It stops her from thinking about it, even if she sheds some tears.

It’s the crack of morning when she lets herself cry again, in the quietness of a small clearing behind the tavern. The crown slips from her fingers, landing on the grass, and she can’t do anything but watch it while it does. She’s two people in one. Veth wants to wear the crown, Nott wants to put it on Caleb. She wants to cry out for help, and fade away in the morning rays. 

Her hands twitch out like they might pick the crown up. She pulls back, feeling the burn of numbness on her fingertips. Her tears pour quickly out of her face, the tear in her heart thudding in her ears. She can hear it, she realises, she can hear her heart screaming out for two different things. The thought doesn’t comfort her. 

Veth gives in before she can say another word. Veth is tired, as she should be, and Nott is stubborn. She’s learnt that about herself. They’re both stubborn, but Nott is more so. 

She tucks whatever lose strands of flower she can find into the rest of the crown, wondering if she should leave a note for him. Nott so desperately wants to, and Veth is quiet. She pads her way towards his room, quiet as she always is, and slips inside unnoticed. The room is so Caleb- books strewn about everywhere, his coat on the chair, and she can see a few hints of the other two but it’s mostly Caleb, and that makes Nott smile.

She cleans the books up a little, glancing over to find Caleb still fast asleep, and puts the crown on top of the pile. She rips a small piece of parchment from the rest, and using one of his writing thingys, she scribbles a note: I hope you’re okay. We haven’t spoken much. Thought you might look good in this, you don’t have to wear it. Love, Nott. 

Veth pauses as she writes the farewell. Nott sings with joy at getting some reconciliation with her boy. She pads quietly out of the room and settles down, cloak and mask covering her face, so she can see the sun rise. She wants to pretend to be normal, but the day might bring the need for her spells, and she doesn’t want to waste on something as futile as feeling okay for a while. 

Beau joins her. “Nott, uh,” She says after a while. Nott knows she’s trying her best to comfort her friend, especially after last night- she’s sure they came in and smelt the alcohol, it was pungent, but something in her- Veth, perhaps- doesn’t want to listen. Doesn’t want to be here. “I know that like. You probably don’t want to talk about it, or anything, and I’m not the best at emotions but-“

“I’m fine, Beau,” Nott’s voice is too quiet, so different from the halfling Veth was. It’s scratchy and strange but it sounds like a mix of them both. That’s the hardest part. “What do you need?”

“Are you really? Fine, I mean,” Beau stammers out quickly. “You’ve been pretty distant. To me- I mean, the Nein- and to, uh, Caleb. It’s worrying.”

Nott thinks about the crown, waiting in Caleb’s room. She wonders if she should have curled up next to him. The ache brushes over her. She shivers, pushing it away, and curls up. Her eyes train on the sunset, which drifts gently across the landscape. “I’m fine.”

Beau watches her. She’s aware of how small she is under the gaze of the fighter, she knows how it’s changed. They think of her as less shady, of more human, of a friend now- It’s all too painful to think about how they’d treat her if they didn’t know. About how they’d treat her if she was just a terrible goblin. Nott shivers again, rejecting the ache.

Beau pats her shoulder. “We’re, uh, here if you think you aren’t. Caleb especially.”

“If he were here for me, he would have said that himself,” She mumbles. It’s more Veth than anything, and Nott thinks that Veth’s wrong, but she just wants some damn peace while she watches the sunset. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

Beau looks worryingly at her. “Why’d you say that?”

Nott bites her tongue. Veth wants to scream. She just wants to lean against Caleb, or someone grounding, and cry. “I’m having trouble knowing where… where I end,” She starts, never meeting Beau’s eyes as they watch her intently. “And Veth begins.” 

“You’re the same person, aren’t you?” Beau asks.

“Not- Veth likes things Nott doesn’t,” she mutters. “Veth likes Yeza and Luc, a nice house and a happy family. Veth likes quiet love, and alchemy, and her halfling self. Nott has sticky fingers, and she drinks, and she could never be domestic. Nott wants to be travelling, with the Nein, and Veth wants to stay with Yeza forever. Like she swore.”

She doesn’t know why she’s trusting Beau with the words out of her mouth. “I don’t know which I… really am.” 

Beau doesn’t understand. Nott knows she doesn’t because it’s been five minutes and the fighter is still swirling the words in her head, lips tight with confusion. Nott shouldn’t have expected her to understand. 

She shuffles, standing on the windowsill next to Beau. “Don’t worry about it,” she sighs, resting a hand on Beau’s shoulder. “I’m fine.”

Beau makes a move to catch Nott, but the goblin is already up and away, taking a swig of her flask. Veth- and Nott tries to disguise the fact it comes through- gags at the taste. They both agree it’s too early for more. 

Nott sits down at another window, away from Beau, and watches there. The ache of the conversation before lingers in her mind, on her body, like a mark Nott can’t forget. Veth wants to leave. Nott wants to find Caleb. She does neither. 

It’s then that she cries for the fourth time, silently and all too quiet. It’s salty and sore, it stings against her skin, but she doesn’t stop it. It rolls slowly down her cheeks, the sun rising above the horizon, and both settle comfortably where they should be- the tears on Nott’s face, and the sun in the sky. 

It passes quickly, but leaves a dull ache behind her eyes and in her head. She hears the rest wake up, and dries her tears in front of the sky so beautiful it doesn’t belong in the same place as her. Then, she turns to the group, and watches them. 

When Caleb comes down, Nott finds he isn’t wearing the crown she made. It hurts, but he understands why. Beau shoots him a look from she’s sat, and Caleb responds- so Nott turns back to the window and takes the longest sip of her flask she could possibly manage. She ignores the looks. 

Being two people means having two different reactions at once, or knowing how the other will react. With Veth and Nott, it’s hard for her to understand when Veth does react and when Nott does. The aches have died down, which is good for Nott, but she worries- does this mean she’s losing Veth?

It’s that-the thought of losing Veth, a part of her she’s had for so long- that carries Nott away from the group while they set up a plan for the day. Caleb doesn’t even glance over towards her as she leaves, and her heart hurts but- but Nott has always gotten more than she deserved, she thinks, and it would only be fair to Caleb and the Nein to not have a goblin around. It would make their lives easier. 

Slipping away and into a separate room, Nott casts the familiar spell of Disguise Self. The  
yellow that emanates from her as she changes is the same colour of Veth’s yellow dress, a lovely shade of sunlight. She smiles, only for a minute, and then opens her eyes as Veth. As much like Veth as she can be. 

Shoving it down any bad feelings, she dances her way down the street and towards a small shop. She can afford something small, something nice. Not for her, no, because… because it would only fit for a while. 

But she’ll get something nice, and she might give it to someone else. Maybe Jester, she absently thinks. Something small for Jester. 

Or for Caleb. 

It feels kind of like shopping for Luc and Yeza. 

The fifth time she cries out with no one there, it’s in the back alley in a town she doesn’t know shortly after her shopping trip. She’s never aware of things the way she was when it was just Caleb and her anymore, she always believes that she can wholeheartedly trust this group to point out anything suspicious.

But none of the group can warn her when she feels her skin shift from a normal, halfling colour to a sickly green. No, none of the group, not even Caleb is there to hold her as she cries into hands with claws too long and skin too rough. 

The tear open double fold. In fact, it might have tripled since Nott felt it last. It leaves her bones aching, her fingers leaking out whatever emotion she feels, her mouth dry with the taste of salty tears down her face. It’s far from pretty, far from the way Veth used to cry- there’s another tear running down her face soon enough, melding with the tears on her cheeks, those same tears pouring into her vision. 

She coughs, and splutters, and bites into her fist so she can hold back those noises. It doesn’t stop the tears, it doesn’t stop her mind, but it stops someone from finding her here. She feels so weak, so small, so terribly lonely that she can’t imagine what it would feel like for someone to scoop her up and hold her. That’s all she wants, really, but she wants so much and she doesn’t deserve it. 

Her mind spits moments at her. How scared Caleb had looked when they first met, curled in a ball in the corner of cell, How Fjord had said all those things about her- how different they all were now. How, maybe, if she had been a goblin from brith, they would’ve treated her worse. They would’ve done all those silent glances and distrust. It hurts to think that they only like her because she’s also Veth, but it hurts to think that Veth still exists. 

Nott can’t help choking on her tears. She can’t help the fact she leaves tear stains on her pants, her wrappings, her cloak when she bundles it up and shoves her face into it to stop the crying. She hates it, she hates the green, she hates her skin, she hates herself. She wishes she never ran away from those goblins, she wishes she had just died when they drowned Veth. She wishes, god she wishes, that she never even existed in the first place. She wants to see the sun rise over a world a thousand times better than this one just because it doesn’t have her there. 

It’s in her throat, a lump, and then her breath is too much for her lungs. They feel swollen and too full, like there’s water in them, and Nott chokes at that thought too. She sputters, breathing, trying to remind herself she’s not drowning again. But it feels so much like she is. So much. 

And all at once, it’s over. 

All at once, her tears have run out, and she is breathing again. The lump subsides as she lays there, watching the sky above the alley, and breathing. Breathing. 

She dries her eyes, sniffing, and re-wraps her arms. She adjusts her cloak hood over her face, pulling up her mask, and just stands for a moment. Her balance is all over the place, head swimming with dizziness and nausea. The alley smells disgusting, but it doesn’t matter to her, and she can’t even tell if the smell is something she’s really smelling or not. 

The world is unfair to goblins. The world is unfair to Nott, and to Veth, and to the combination that emerges from the alley with only a few scrapes (from their own claws, mind you) and scurries down the road. It’s unfair to the swimming sensation Nott feels in the pool of her stomach all day, and it’s unfair to the kind little boy that wears a crown of flowers made for him this morning. 

She misses Caleb a lot nowadays. Maybe she’s purposefully pushing herself away, because she can’t stand the idea that he’d be burdened with her presence as a goblin. Maybe he’s pushing her away. Maybe she’s reading too far into things, but they don’t share a room anymore, and that scares her. 

It’s after the flowers have wilted a little and the crown is discarded that Nott finds herself next to Caleb. There’s a fire roaring, the Nein semi-circled around it, and Nott is next to Caleb but she doesn’t lean into him. She doesn’t know if she can, doesn’t know if Caleb wants her too, and suddenly she’s too conscious of how she’s never asked him if he wanted her around. Instead of lying against him, of curling into him and staying there, Nott curls into herself. 

She fiddles with the bandages on her hands and doesn’t watch the fire- it’s really just for warmth- or listen to the group. Her ears brush her legs as she rests her chin on her knees, as she pulls her cloak a little higher to hide her face. The Nein are talking about something- something Nott would usually join in on. She can’t find the words to say anything. 

Frumpkin wonders over and snuggles at her feet, a silent question- maybe from Caleb- or pats in the air. Nott answers it, and uses her claws to scratch gently across the Cat’s fur and skin. She leans further onto her knees, watching Frumpkin purr and settle down into slumber on her feet. The warm fire glow illuminates the cat’s face, and it’s orange fur. Nott smiles a little at it.

Touching the cat feels good, even if it makes her ache with the longing to hold someone- or be held, perhaps- and the longing to fix the world. Frumpkin reminds her a lot of Caleb, with the gestures and how quick the Cat is to knowing what’s going on. Nott sighs at that, feeling her face well with tears at the thought of how far apart they are, even if they’re right next to each other. Nott doesn’t to bring it up, or fix the gap between them, even when Caleb shuffles over to take Frumpkin from her. 

With no Cat left to scratch, the ache takes her double time. She bites her bottom lip, hating the teeth that dig into her. She shivers, suddenly cold, and uncurls for scurry away. Caleb- she’s sure she feels it- reaches for her hand, but she’s too quickly out the door and up the stairs. That’s the benefit to how suddenly light she was after Veth-

Nott stops herself. Veth’s still alive, she reasons, grabbing whatever blankets she can from her bed and pulling them under the bed with her. She likes the shadows. They’re where she belongs, where she feels safe- no one can tell what you are if it’s dark enough, no one can see you do it’s dark enough, and if you cover it with blankets then you’re practically invisible. That’s what Nott wants to be, without the added difficulty of the spell. 

So she curls under the bed, with the blankets around, and watches the outside world. 

She hasn’t felt like Veth in a very long time. She’s felt like Veth was there, like they were two separate things, but she still doesn’t feel like Veth. Does she? Her hands tremble with the movement of her shivers, her tears wracking her body as she sobs. She hopes, so desperately hopes, that no one can hear her. God, she thinks, aren’t I pathetic. 

She bites down on her hand to muffle the sobs escaping from her, breath laboured and yet not enough to subside the feeling of breathlessness in her. Her mind races a million miles an hour with thousands of thoughts she doesn’t understand, can’t understand, won’t understand. A pain shoots through her body, through her bones, and she curls inwards a little more to try and stop crying. Stop, she begs. 

Her whole body, screaming. Her voice is lost in the chords not many can hear, and not many would want to hear, and it all comes out as a breathless sob with faint tunes to it. Her claws and teeth dig into her hand, her knees are too tightly pulled to her chest, the blankets are wet everywhere and she’s too hot to care about anything. Everything sucks. 

She sobs a little more, clutching the blanket tighter, and coughs form the effort of keeping herself together. The world is unfair to goblins, it’s unfair to Veth and to Nott, and it’s unkind- or maybe kind- enough to not kill her. She wishes it would. She wishes it would just end whatever it started, and that’s the only wish she has under her bed and wrapped in blankets she doesn’t have the energy to move. 

She doesn’t have the energy to do anything.

Anything except die. She just wants to die.

It would be so much better, wouldn’t it? 

She hears the footsteps and hardly has time to suppress her sobs- she does so by shoving her entire face into the blankets- when they enter. Nott can’t look out to see who’s there, and Veth’s quiet. Veth is quiet all the time now. She never says anything. She’s left. She’s- 

Nott spirals again, struggling as a sob wracks her body again. “Nott? Are you in here?” A familiar voice asks, a tinge of Zemnian in there. Caleb. The noise of his voice makes her body shake with another heavy sob she can’t control. 

Caleb moves near her bed as she hides away. The darkness is lovely, it hides you, it hides- “I can see you,” Caleb chuckles, half-hearted and too sad. Nott doesn’t want it to be sad. “What is wrong? Come out and tell me.”

Nott doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to do anything. “I-I’m… I’m fine,” Nott says, clearing her throat as her voice cracks from the crying. “Really.”

“That is a lie,” Caleb says matter-of-factly. He’s so smart, always able to see through her lies, he really does deserve a better friend. He deserves the Nein more than she does. “What is wrong, Nott?”

It’s quiet for a moment. 

Looking up from her blanket bundle, Nott can see Caleb’s knee- he’s sitting down, cross legged, she assumes- under the bed. She moves over to it, just close enough for him to feel her breath, and tries to even her breathing enough for him to hear her speak clearly. “I’m- I don’t want… I don’t want to burden you.”

Caleb seems surprised, because he moves his hands inwards and is silent for more than thirty seconds. “You would never burden me, Nott,” He says. “I- I care for you. I would… I would like to hear what is wrong, if you’d tell me.”

Nott sighs. Of course Caleb just has to be so good, too good , for her- for Nott. “I- I’m…” She doesn’t know which issue to talk about. It’s all too much. “There’s a lot.”

Caleb’s breath is stable enough for Nott to calm down listening to it, and trying to match it. “I’m here to listen.”

“I… why don’t we talk? Why don’t you- did I upset you? I understand if you just like Beau better, but- but I’d at least like to know why,” Nott chokes out. She starts again before Caleb can respond. “I, I get that Beau’s better, I mean that’s obvious. She’s fitter, and stronger, and your size. She can probably protect you more than I can. But- but I’d.. but I’d like to know why I lost. Why you don’t- why I’m… why we aren’t a pair anymore, if that makes sense.”

Silence falls over the room. Nott is sure she’s said too much, more than enough, enough to get Caleb to leave. She hates it, and she hates herself for saying so much about so little, and she can’t stand any of the noises around her. “I’m sorry.” She whispers.

Caleb shifts. “Nott, I would like to look you in the eyes for this,” He says after a beat too long. “I understand if you don’t want me to, but- but I would like it. I would very much like it.”

Nott decides to follow his request, just because she can’t imagine needing to guess what expression is on Caleb’s face when he tells her he hates her. She wants to commit the moment to memory, because then she can replay it over and over again and then both Veth and Nott can understand how much they messed up. The light is bright when she gets out from under the bed, a blanket trail following her, and she can’t bear to look at Caleb- even if he looks at her. 

His fingers- his hand, so warm- lead her to looking at him. “We are best friends, ja? I would not leave you for someone because they protect me more. You protect me too, Nott,” He says. Nott swallows, tears brimming. “I… I do not always show it, I cannot always show it, but I miss you when times like these come by. You get very distant sometimes. 

“And I do not know how to help, but I would like to,” Caleb swallows, and Nott realises he has tears in his eyes, too. “We are partners. If you want something, we can go get it, if something will help with this I will do all I can to get it. But I am not replacing you, Nott, I have known you longer than I have known the Nein and I would not throw away those years so- so quickly.”

Caleb removes his hand from her face, pulling it back to him, and Nott wants to grab it again. “But I’m so bad,” She says, barely audible. “I’m so ugly, and terrible, and stupid. Beau isn’t.” 

Caleb sighs, exasperated. “You are not what you see,” he says. “You are Nott- comma- the brave, and you are my best friend.”

He almost opens his arms for her- Nott sees him consider it, arms flinching- but doesn’t. Nott wonders what stops him, and then in one swift movement he’s picked her off of the ground and is holding her to his chest the way he would then they were cold in the Jail. Nott can’t stop the tears pouring from her face so suddenly, even if she tries her best. She’s staining Caleb’s jacket, suddenly, with her tears. 

“You’re my best friend too, Caleb,” Nott chokes out, small green arms clinging so desperately into the man in front of her. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t- that I’ve been so- so distant.”

Caleb, who Nott’s sure is trying his best not to cry, hugs her tighter. “I understand you, libeling,” He says. Nott doesn’t understand the word, but it’s familiar and wonderful to hear. “You did nothing wrong.”

When the tears die down, Nott is still on Caleb’s lap as she burrows in just under his jacket. “Is that all that was bothering you?” He asks, gentle.

Nott swallows. “Well, no, b-but the rest is confusing,” She laughs half-heartedly. “And.. and I don’t want to confuse you.”

Caleb nods. “I am here,” he says. “If you would like to try and make sense of things together.”

Nott waits a little too long, or what she thinks is too long, before responding. “I- I don’t know who I am, really,” she says. “It’s like I’m Veth and Nott, but they’re two separate people. They’re too different people and I’m both of them.

“Veth is- I think Veth is the part of me that wants to stay home with Yeza and Luc, living the life she lost, and being content like that,” Nott reaches for her flask, backtracks, and fiddles with Caleb’s shirt instead. “And then Nott- Nott wants this. She- she’s the part of me that wants to stay with the Nein, forever, and keep doing missions and all that. Nott doesn’t want to be content. Veth does.”

Caleb nods solemnly. “That is confusing.”

“Yeah,” Nott breathlessly chuckles. “It is.”

“But,” Caleb begins. “I think that you can find a way to fix it. I don’t have the answers for you, but I can help. I will always stay your friend for as long as you would have me, and I’m sure the rest of the Nein would agree. Once we get your body back, you can find a middle ground, if that’s what you should want?”

Nott smiles at the thought. Caleb is so smart, he always thinks of the best solutions. Nott leans against Caleb a little more, burrowing into the warmth, and relaxes. “Yeah, yeah I’d like that.”

Caleb just holds her. “I… I did miss you, Nott,” he says. “These past few weeks.”

“I missed you too,” She says. She means it, she means it so much. 

Caleb holds her longer, and longer, and when night falls over the tavern, he still holds her. When Beau, Yasha, and Jester come and settle in for night, none of them say anything when Caleb and Nott are found snuggled together and sleeping. Except for Jester, who excitedly exclaims about how cute that is. And then Beau, who tells Jester to shut up and let them sleep, but wholeheartedly agrees in silence with the blue tiefling.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m way too obsessed with Critical Role, as always Kudos is appreciated and I love comments cause then I get to know people enjoyed it (if you can do that for any of my work) I promise my next one won’t be a vent through Nott 
> 
> Also! Feel free to leave prompts in the comments cause I don’t have a tumblr but I really love prompts


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